I would say that maybe at my age it could be hormones, but I don't think that is totally the case. I think there are a multitude of reasons that all contribute to my waterworks.
First off, stress. We all have our stories and our stressors. In a brief synopsis, mine are as follows. My mom has Alzheimer's. My son is struggling in school. I am having a hard time simply keeping up with some basic everyday life stuff. My husband is working a ton. I am having a bit of worthiness/what I am doing with my life struggles.
Let me start by saying that I am not complaining about my life and struggles, not at all. I wouldn't trade my life with anyone else's and that's a good thing. This is the life I've chosen and there is only one me.
Now, despite the stressors and despite my own issues, as I have gotten older and a bit wiser I learned some things. I have learned that worrying doesn't solve anything. I used to be known as a worrier, full of anxiety. I had panic attacks starting in my junior year of high school. Not only was I struggling with being a teenager and being unsure of myself, my friends, and where I fit in, but it was time to start SATs and thinking about college. That about put me over the edge. Not feeling like I was smart enough after following in the footsteps of a genius sister was tough. The added pressure of taking a major test, for me who later found out that she had a learning disability and test anxiety, was almost more than I could bear.
Later in life I had other stressors, you know, job, finances, and marriage. I let these basic life stressors take over, so that I would worry about everything and I mean everything. I would worry that if I drove too fast that I would get pulled over, get a ticket, and go to jail. Sounds crazy, right? Well, that is how my brain started working. I was worried every single moment of my life. Worried about what I was doing, what people were thinking, what was going to happen, did I say the right thing, is someone mad at me, am I living up to my potential, if I do something wrong will my husband leave me.... everything.
Crazy? Here is crazy. It got so bad that while I was sleeping, I started having stress induced hallucinations. I once called Jason into our room because I thought that there was a snake in there. That was the last straw. Off to a counselor.
I didn't take long for her to help me start to sort things out and calm myself down. Never did it with drugs. I personally do everything that I can, not to put any sort of drugs into my body. It is always a last resort. The counseling was working, and I was feeling better. I also took a seminar that helped me to accept myself and become a better me. I know now that life is a continual journey, and that there will always be trials that pop back up that one has to deal with. I can choose how I deal with those trials.
Whew...OK, now to the present day and all my crying. I can, at times, feel the emotion creep in and try to take over. It is like that dern snake that I "saw" in my room. It can be sneaky and slither its way in, just sitting there waiting or it can just strike suddenly and hit me with its venom.
So as I sit here with tears beginning to roll down my cheeks, I am thankful for them. Thankful that I have these moments, this moment. This moment of honesty and fear. Of nervousness about what I have written. But most of all for listening to the whispers of my heart.
Sources for pictures: