Thursday, February 23, 2012

Whispers of the Heart

I feel like a big cry baby lately. It seems that everything makes me cry these days. And, I am not talking just about something sad, but anything and everything. I can see a commercial, and it can send me over the edge. Read a passage...done. Experience someone's kindness...waterfall.

I would say that maybe at my age it could be hormones, but I don't think that is totally the case. I think there are a multitude of reasons that all contribute to my waterworks.

First off, stress. We all have our stories and our stressors. In a brief synopsis, mine are as follows. My mom has Alzheimer's. My son is struggling in school. I am having a hard time simply keeping up with some basic everyday life stuff. My husband is working a ton. I am having a bit of worthiness/what I am doing with my life struggles.

Let me start by saying that I am not complaining about my life and struggles, not at all. I wouldn't trade my life with anyone else's and that's a good thing. This is the life I've chosen and there is only one me.

Now, despite the stressors and despite my own issues, as I have gotten older and a bit wiser I learned some things. I have learned that worrying doesn't solve anything. I used to be known as a worrier, full of anxiety. I had panic attacks starting in my junior year of high school. Not only was I struggling with being a teenager and being unsure of myself, my friends, and where I fit in, but it was time to start SATs and thinking about college. That about put me over the edge. Not feeling like I was smart enough after following in the footsteps of a genius sister was tough. The added pressure of taking a major test, for me who later found out that she had a learning disability and test anxiety, was almost more than I could bear.

Later in life I had other stressors, you know, job, finances, and marriage. I let these basic life stressors take over, so that I would worry about everything and I mean everything. I would worry that if I drove too fast that I would get pulled over, get a ticket, and go to jail. Sounds crazy, right?  Well, that is how my brain started working. I was worried every single moment of my life. Worried about what I was doing, what people were thinking, what was going to happen, did I say the right thing, is someone mad at me, am I living up to my potential, if I do something wrong will my husband leave me.... everything.

Crazy? Here is crazy. It got so bad that while I was sleeping, I started having stress induced hallucinations. I once called Jason into our room because I thought that there was a snake in there. That was the last straw. Off to a counselor.

I didn't take long for her to help me start to sort things out and calm myself down. Never did it with drugs. I personally do everything that I can, not to put any sort of drugs into my body. It is always a last resort. The counseling was working, and I was feeling better. I also took a seminar that helped me to accept myself and become a better me. I know now that life is a continual journey, and that there will always be trials that pop back up that one has to deal with. I can choose how I deal with those trials.

Whew...OK, now to the present day and all my crying. I can, at times, feel the emotion creep in and try to take over. It is like that dern snake that I "saw" in my room. It can be sneaky and slither its way in, just sitting there waiting or it can just strike suddenly and hit me with its venom.

My husband, my kids, TV shows, blog posts, quotes, commercials, my mom, a workout, being sick, not getting my list done, seeing something beautiful, witnessing true kindness, hearing horrible stories, or simply nothing makes me well up with tears. The snake slithers, it strikes. I could over analyze it. I could question my sanity. Honestly, what I truly believe it is, is authenticity. I am truly feeling what I feel at any given moment. I am learning to take each moment for what it is.  Focusing on life as it is happening. These tears are tears of sadness, joy, frustration, confusion, anger and happiness.

So as I sit here with tears beginning to roll down my cheeks, I am thankful for them. Thankful that I have these moments, this moment. This moment of honesty and fear. Of nervousness about what I have written. But most of all for listening to the whispers of my heart.

Sources for pictures:


  1. I remember talking to Mom about this a long time ago, probably right after I got married. I told her how I was never a "cryer," and then how recently everything, sad or happy, made me cry, and that I was feeling like I couldn't control it. Of course, being the control freak and strong woman that I am, it bothered me. I saw crying as a sign of weakness. Her response? It means you are in love, that you love, that you care. You have a deeper understanding of the people around you and their perspectives. It's a good thing." Very important words of wisdom that I should remember more often.

  2. Wow, she was a smart woman. Sometimes it is so hard to remember that she had such wisdom and a deep understanding of people and their feelings. Thanks.